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I was sitting on the front verandah with my oldies enjoying a post-dinner cuppa. It had been a pleasant, mild autumn evening. Bugs chirping, the scent of jasmine in the air and an occasional car on our quiet, back street. Then my phone rang, fracturing the ambience. I didn't recognise the displayed number. “Hi,” I said. Mum's ears were pricked. "My therapist," I told her.

“I rather expected a bouquet, Al,” the phone said, “or even a card.”

I leapt out of the plastic chair and took off up the road. “Sofia! What's happening?” I asked with all sphincters clenched. The last time I saw her, that large body was naked, straw-like hair spread everywhere. She was snuffling in a lady-like fashion. I had sneaked out of her apartment after dressing on the landing. It was unlikely anybody would see me at that hour. I had wondered where her frightening little toad of a man-servant was. Gone to bed?

“Al, you left like a thief in the night,” Sofia said.

“Sweetie, it was late, you were sleeping.”

“Yes, well you're forgiven - momentarily. But if you're sincerely seeking absolution get here now. I've got a job for you.”

“Sofia, I'm retired. I have a regular job these days,” I told her. “Gone straight, got engaged, the whole Mr Suburbia bit. Give Max a call, he'll recommend someone else.” She knew Max was my prime contractor. Was!

“I did. He recommended you,” Sofia replied. “I really must insist you stop by.”

“At this hour? We live miles apart,” I said.

“Call a cab. I'll pay. Just get here. Now!”

Damn! I didn't want to upset me old mate, Max. Or Sofia. She's powerful and frightening. I called a cab, argued with Mum, cleaned my teeth and rushed out the door as the cab pulled up.

----

As the cab drew up in front of Sofia's pile her odd little gargoyle, Luigi, scuttled out and paid my driver. “Come. Madama waits,” he ordered with a leer. If he only knew! I'd rather cut off my junk and mail it to her than relive that previous ordeal.

He mumbled into his phone, calling ahead I guessed and pointed at the stairs. Onwards and upwards to my fate, pausing at her slightly open door. “You there Sofia?”

She opened the door and was back-lit by low-lighting. As ever, the first thing I see with this woman is her hair. It looks like she's wearing an upturned mop that's been poorly bleached and poorly trimmed. Dunno why she persists with it otherwise she's quite attractive.

 No, no! I thought, the woman was naked! As my eyes adjusted to the light and the shock I could see she was wearing something that was so damned sheer that it was pointless. I turned on my heel and bellowed. “Sofia, I'm not going to play games with you. Put some bloody clothes on!”

“Alright, alright. I have a dressing gown here,” she said petulantly. “Come in and look the other way for a moment, Tinkerbell," and grumbled. "The world's filling up with Tinkerbells,”

I was looking everywhere but at her. At a nice big lounge room. Nice alright! Cream on cream. It's gotta mini-chandelier! A big telly, of course and a large fish tank sitting on a low chest of drawers. That's new. I moved over and watched brightly-coloured fish flitting about. Under other circumstances I would have found this quite soothing.

“Do you like my fish tank, Al?”

“Very nice, Sofia, but high maintenance, I expect,” I said as I turned to face her. “Sofia!” I yelped.

“Calm down, big boy, I've put on a dressing gown,” she said.

In all fairness, she had. But it was made of the same bloody-near invisible gossamer as the other

thing she was nearly wearing. I was shaking my head and preparing to bolt. The woman has no

respect for me. She must think that I'm just another piece of meat.

"Max told me about your Jess so this is strictly business."

“Right," I snapped. "Down to business. It's late and I'm getting tired.”

“And old,” Sofia sneered.

“Get to the point, Sofia. What do you want me to do?” I persisted.

“Bring me the head of Anton Severek.”

“Okay, boiled or fried? ”

“I'm serious, Al. I'm going to put it in that fish tank you were admiring and watch my cute little fish eat the flesh off his thieving, cheating skull.”

“You're joking!” I was horrified.

“Joking Al? Look at me! Do you see the jocular Good Fairy Buttercup?” the crazy woman asked. “What you're seeing is one seriously angry, vindictive Wicked Witch. I've never been more serious. I trusted Anton and he embezzled over one million dollars from my family account and me.”

“Tough but you're on your own.” I stood up to go, “I'm outa here--- ”

“You may consider my second option.”

Curiosity got the better of me. “Which is what, crazy woman?”

“Your head! Al, look at that fish tank and imagine the view from inside, looking out."

“You're bloody mad! Farewell Fruit-loop.”

“Listen to me, Al,” she snarled, “you used me. A month ago, I offered you hospitality which you accepted and abused.”

“Abused?” I was nearly screeching at the crazy bitch. “We were having a quiet drink and you leapt on me.”

“Not very gallant, Al. And keep your voice down, Luigi's likely to crash through the door if he thinks I'm threatened in any way.”

“I take it Luigi's that ugly little toad of a doorman?”

“A fiercely protective toad,” Sofia told me. “Al, I think this meeting's gone as far as it can at the moment. Here's a resume on the swine that robbed me. I urge you to contact him and carry out your instructions. Oh, have a look at the fish tank as you go- from the outside!”

I know this is one mean woman from work I'd done for her before. She offered me the resume of the victim to be, "I'll have a quick squizz and you can tell me what a cad and a bounder he is." I was weighing my options and sat beside her on the sofa. "Hey, gotta drink for a working man, Sofia?"

While I was browsing, Sofia poured two generous single malts and detailed Anton's wickedness. I was picking up vibes that he may have been in a relationship with Sofia and there was a bit of the woman scorned thing going on.

I could ignore her, thus calling her bluff. No, Luigi may sneak up on me one day and do me a mischief. Not an option. Or ---

I started breathing heavily. “Incidentally, I'm getting used to that cute little nighty of yours.”

“It is a cute little nighty," Sofia told me, "but if at any stage it offends thine eyes, I can pluck it off,”

“Sofia, I've gotta apologise for earlier tonight. You took me by surprise,” I told her oozing sincerity. “I'd been hoping that you fancied a bit of the old social congress but when you sprung that fish-tank bit on me, you put me right off me game. Everything went south. Anyway ---” I gave her a continental-type kiss on the cheek. My approach seemed to arouse her interest.

“Not here you animal, come with me,” said the spider to the fly.

“Oh yeah,” I grinned. “But business first.” I stood up and marched about thinking, "Hmm." I plucked a few photos from the envelope she'd given me and riffled through them. She sat on one of the sofas, near an end, probably expecting me to sit with her. But I moved around the end of the sofa and stood beside her, "This is definitely him?" And looked over her shoulder. "Who's the nice-looking old dear with him?"

"That's his mother. He lives with her. Kill her first! In front of him."

"Okay, that'll teach the bastard." I told the mad woman. I breathed in. “Hmm, you do smell nice. It's either you au naturale or a very expensive perfume.” I figured if this monster or her hatchet-man, Luigi, was going to kill me, she'd want to get her jollies first, so I'm safe for the moment. If she was going to kill me she'd kill me after. Like a female spider kills its mate. Or, wait a minute - like a praying mantis! They chewed the heads off their depleted lovers. Anyway, I reckon I'm safe until Madam was sated. So I leaned over sniffing and kissed her lightly on her ear. “Hmm.” I murmured and gently ran a finger down her arched neck. I heard her breathing getting heavier and I  was sure she was losing interest in the photos. 

I located the fourth vertebrae, drew Mum's steak knife from my sleeve and drove it in hard. I had read somewhere that the optimal severance point to induce quadriplegia was between the fourth and fifth vertebrae. I struck it lucky because she flopped forward, chest onto her knees, rolled off the sofa and onto the carpet. There was a small amount of blood pulsing from the wound and that's a good thing. It means she's alive - for the moment. She's lying on her side. Her mouth was moving and her eyes were following me. I picked up one of her arms from the floor and dropped it. It flopped and didn't move again.

“Sofia, I know you can hear me. This is plan B. It only evolved a few minutes ago when you threatened me." I explained the wherefore and why to her, with relish. “Oh yes, The third beheading option after me is- have a guess- yes, you. See my sharp little knife with its serrated blade?" I held it in front of her face. "It's a steak knife. I'll probably have to saw away a bit but with luck you won't feel much. And then, yes you guessed it, plop you go into the fish tank. Then you can die watching me head off. Head off ! That's a joke, Sofia,” I laughed, paused. “Well I thought it was funny.”

Of course I'm not gunna do that, a man's not an animal.

“But hang in there, Sofia.” Her handbag was on the sofa, I tipped it out and found her phone, it can go into the river with mine. A wad of fifties, a few credit cards and a cute little purse pistol! A Beretta .22 Automatica. That'll be handy. I bet she was sitting close to it so she could render me unto the angels. Nah, the nasty woman would leave it to Luigi. She was watching me and gasping like her pretty little goldfish. I swept a hand down over her eyelids, closing them, stabbed her in an eye-socket up to the hilt and twisted the blade. “Arrivederci, my love.” She twitched and died. I wiped my knife and put it away, it being a part of my after-dark wardrobe.

I wiped everything that I touched. With the little Beretta concealed in my large hand, I opened the door and called, “Hey Luigi, Madama wants you.”  

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