MRS SMITH'S COMPANY                                                                      

“Well, despite Mrs Smith's company, I do get lonely, Grandpa,” Danny said.

"Don't call me Grandpa. I'm not your grandpa. I'm the same age as you."

"No you're not.You're two years older.

“Anyway, what are you on about? Mrs Smith company? She died a terrible death a few months back,” Grandpa replied.

“I know she did. You came and told me. Death by self-liposuctioning whilst under the influence,” Danny said. “Nothing left of her but a skeleton, an overflowing bucket of goop with an eyeball floating on top of it, you said. Very sad! All that wonderfully large Mrs Smith gone but for one eyeball. When you told me, I had to go and pay homage to her,” Danny paused, he appeared overcome with emotion.

“I heard the sirens of the approaching emergency vehicles so I whipped in the back door, grabbed that poor, sad eyeball, placed it gently in one of her preserving jars that was on the kitchen table and bolted with it.”

“You sick fool! That's probably a crime, interfering with a body. Just for a start!” A horrified Grandpa told him. “But an eyeball? Why would you do that?”

“I'd always fancied her, you know? And she had lovely eyes. Anyway, I was kind, gentle and respectful,” Danny explained.

“Every man in town fancied her, but they didn't go and pinch her last eyeball,” A still shocked Grandpa told him.

“Listen to me, you sanctimonious old coot, I filled the jar with me home-made moonshine. And here's a little known fact for yer Grandpa, eyeballs float in alcohol. It's to do with the gravity of the viscous fluid within the eyeball being less than the specific gravity of the alcohol. I know that because I'm an engineer.”

“No you're not! You're a junk-yard shonk who's also a sad, sick psycho.”

“Very unkind, Grandpa. She sits on my coffee table and we watch TV together in the evening. It's funny, you know,” Danny said wistfully. “Her gaze seems to follow me around the room as I move about.

"Do you think that she may have fallen in love with me?” Danny asked in wonder.

Grandpa was making choking noises.

“Oh, I make sure we never watch horror shows or anything violent because of what happened to her. I think that she'd find that disturbing. Don't you?”

“Disturbing? Bloody disturbing! I'll tell you what else is disturbing. You ---.”

“Oh, I know that you're worried about the proprieties of the situation. I'm always very careful to be the perfect gentleman around her.” Danny re-assured Grandpa. “I know how vulnerable she is and I would never take advantage of her. For instance at bedtime, I carry her into the bedroom, put her on the bedside table and cover her with my hanky. I'd never expose myself in front of a lady!”

“Your definitely a gent, Danny, a poor sick, sorry gent. I'm gunna speak to Grandma and we'll see if we can get you help.”

“That's nice of you, Grandpa, but not really necessary. Are you sure that you're not a tad jealous? I know yer always had an eye for Mrs Smith's bountifulness. Be that as it may, we're quite comfortable together, Mrs Smith and I. And I don't have to bathe too often. She doesn't mind.”

“Mate, where you're goin' they'll wash you down with a pressure hose and dress you in a nice, close fitting jacket. I'm outa here in case I'm judged by the company I keep.”

"In that case, tell Grandma that you two are not invited over for afternoon tea tomorrow," Danny called to Grandpa's disappearing back. "A bit sad, Mrs Smith and I would have liked to entertain her."

Danny flopped onto the old sofa next to Woof out the front of DANNY'S SALVAGE EMPORIUM and said. "You know Woof, Grandpa's so judgemental. Only an eyeball? No cuddly bits? She had to go. Besides, she was lookin' a bit glazed over. Lost her sparkle, I thought. So with a heavy heart I flushed her and drank the moonshine I'd pickled her in."     

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