Danny and Woof were enjoying the sun in front of his workshop on a ratty old sofa of doubtful provenance. There was nothing nesting in it- at the moment. He was taking a break after a morning of strolling around his five acres of rusting mechanical rubbish.
He spotted some movement out of the corner of an eye. Bugger it! There goes me planning for an afternoon project. His old mate, Grandpa had decided to visit, wandering in off the dusty road. “I've got some really important news for yer, Danny, and I'm tellin' yer seein' as how you think yer really important. Gees, either you or Woof's on the nose,” he said as he settled on the sofa.
“Watch it, Mate. Woof's sensitive,” Woof licked Grandpa sensitively. Danny said. “If this is important you better drag the esky out.”
“You're a poor host. Dunno why I come here.” Grandpa struggled to his feet and dragged the big esky out. Not really a problem, Danny had fitted it with wheels.
Grandpa dug in and produced two stubbies and what looked like half a mouldy sandwich. He gave the sandwich to Woof much to Danny's horror. “That was me lunch you're giving away. It's bad enough you take me beer off me but you take me lunch, too.
"I just saved yer from ptomaine poisonin'."
“Alright, tell me this important news!” Danny demanded.
“Well, you know Mrs Smith who lives down the road a bit?”
“Big Mrs. Smith?”
“Yeah.”
They both went quiet recalling Mrs Smith. Both smiling.
“Nicely proportioned bigness!”
“Did you know her well?”
“Nah. Woulda liked to!
“Yeah!” They both sunk into a reverie about the potential niceness of Mrs Smith.
Danny snapped out of it first. “Well what about her, you grinning old fool?”
“Oh yeah. Well I'm walkin' past her house and her hubby's standin' out the front. 'What's happenin' Herb?' I asked. And he asked me in."
"Herb told me his missus wanted to lose weight and look like them skinny models in her women's magazines," Grandpa continued, "so she tried exercises, diets and nothing worked.”
“I coulda given her a vigorous series of exercises?” Danny leered.
“A: You're living on memories and B: You smell something shockin'. Do you shower? Don't answer. Anyway Mrs Smith's a lady and would have nothing to do with you,” Grandpa told him, “and what's even more, you're a dirty old man who's goin' to hell.”
“There is that.” Danny admitted. “But still very hurtful, Grandpa."
“I'll ask the Salvation Army lass that comes to visit us. She'll know for sure if you're goin' to hell.”
“Hey, Grandpa, how come she visits you and not me?”
“Danny, mate, she thinks you're a very smelly lost cause and a blight on the face of the earth. Which is what Mrs Smith thinks, too.”
“That's terrible! Why would they think that?” Danny asked.
“Because I told 'em.” Grandpa said.
“Gimme me beer back, you bludger or I 'll sool Woof onto you.”
Grandpa scratched the ever-alert Woof behind the ear. Woof opened one eye and glared fiercely at Grandpa.
“Easy Woof. Stay!” Grandpa told Woof who closed his eye and went into standby mode.
“Whew! Grandpa. You were close to dismemberment,” Danny said. “Now can we get back to Mrs Smith?”
“OK Danny, but first, do you think it's alright to look upon Mrs. Smith with lust in our hearts?”
“Grandpa, think of it as paying homage to her and God's fruitfulness. Amen.” Danny intoned with reverence. “Anyway, what did that wonderful woman do?”
“She sent away for one of them electric home liposuction machines advertised in her magazines.”
“How'd she go?” Danny asked.
“Mixed bag, Danny. Herb said she read the instructions, plugged the machine in, mixed herself a jug of vodka-tinis, put a pile of ladies magazines on the little table beside her and proceeded. And that was it,” Grandpa nodded wisely. Danny looked at him and waited.
After an eternity he yelled at Grandpa, “What the hell do you mean -'that's it'? What bloody happened?”
“Oh yeah. Pass me another beer, while I marshal me thoughts.” Grandpa said, savouring the moment. Danny was tempted to belt him with the stubby but figured if he didn't kill the silly old bugger, he'd go home in a sulk and he'd never find out what happened to Mrs. Smith.
“Please proceed, Grandpa.” Danny said politely.
“Just a minute, can we change places, so's I'm sittin' upwind of you? Grandpa asked, sniffing.
“Kill, Woof! Kill!” Danny hissed menacingly. Woof menacingly licked Grandpa and yawned. “Yer lucky it's his nap time. Get back to Mrs. Smith.”
“Where was I up to? Oh yeah,” Grandpa recalled. “Well, she reclined in her recliner chair, read the instruction manual again and proceeded. She opened the sealed local anaesthetic pad and rubbed it on the fleshiest part of her thigh and waited for the recommended five minutes."
“Grandpa, for goodness sake!" Danny interrupted, "are you talking about her full, rounded upper thigh?
Grandpa nodded. "The very same. She then plunged the pre-sterilized needle into the deadened flesh and switched her machine on. And that's the problem, Danny. Do you see where she went wrong? Operating machinery whilst drinking alcohol!"
"Not good!” Danny shut his eyes, apparently imagining the event. Pondering. Then, "Are you just spinning this rubbish out so you can drink more of me beer or are yer making it up as you go?”
“No Mate, this is fair dinkum. But seein' how yer offerin', pass one over. Right! Now concentrate. She's plugged herself in, turned on the lipo machine, has another drinky and looks at all the skinny models in her magazine. Probably thinking that she'll be like that shortly, ay?”
Danny's agog. “That'd be a shame but go on!”
“Well, after a period of time she wasn't noticing much progress. There was a hose hangin' in a bucket, but only a drop or two of fat's been produced. The instruction manual said to run the machine on low unless an approved operator was present but seein' as how nothing much was happening she decided to turn the switch onto high. That seemed to do a bit better she musta thought and poured the last vodka-tini into her glass. And that, Danny, was that.”
Danny stared at Grandpa waiting, waiting, and then exploded. “Bloody what was that? What happened, you dithering old twit?” Danny roared at him.
“Well, she went to sleep. The machine built up a head of steam and enough suction power to suck-start a jumbo jet and it removed too much fat.”
“Gawd,” said a horrified Danny. “That's not good. What happened to her?”
“When her old man put his head in, all he found was an overflowing bucket of streaky goop and a skeleton in the recliner. It even sucked her skin inside out and off her.”
Danny's gaping. Not a word.
“Oh yeah, there was one eyeball floating on top of the overflowing goopy bucket. If you want to pay homage, best wear your gumboots.
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